Every year at the end of June and the middle of October I get so sad. I feel so terrible every day, nightmares every night leading up to your birthday and the day you passed...and then I start to feel your presence. I feel like I'm standing next to you in Dunbar while you brew Lipton tea in a big glass bowl...I'll feel your hand on my arm, on my shoulder. I'll turn around in the kitchen and be back in Boomer, in your kitchen, and see you with one foot up on your stool, sipping a beer and smiling. For some reason this year was the most intense. I can't shake the feeling that you're near me. It's driving me crazy because I keep thinking I'm coming up to visit you...but you're gone. I keep reaching for my phone to call you...but you're gone. I keep getting so happy...and then I remember you're gone. I still blame myself. It isn't getting easier. I sang you happy birthday today... I hope you heard it, wherever you are. I love you and I miss you so much, dad.